Could'a Would'a Should'a
by claret101
Summary: RemusxSirius. Set post PoA to post OotP. Remus and Sirius have spent 12 years apart, but their feelings haven't changed.


_Moony,_

_I'm so sorry I had to leave you like that. I wanted a chance to talk to you about everything that happened, but the situation necessitated a swift departure._

_I can only imagine how difficult the last twelve years must have been for you or what it must have been like for you when you found out about James and Lily's deaths and my betrayal. I know you must have hated me and it must be confusing for you to know the truth now. Believe me, Moony, the thought of what you must think of me was one that tormented me for those twelve years. If I could take away the pain I caused you, I would, but I can only ask your forgiveness._

_Padfoot_

_Moony, I just found a copy of the Daily Prophet and saw the article about you. What happened? How did they find out? It must have been the night you were with me that you were discovered. It seems I've managed to ruin your life again. I'm so very sorry. I've messed everything up._

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_Padfoot,_

_Stop being so reckless! Our past friendship is well known and my owls may be being watched. Please don't be so foolish as to write to me again. The most important thing now is your safety. Anything we have to say to each other can wait. I wouldn't even reply now, but I know that you would only write again._

_Don't blame yourself for what happened. You did nothing wrong and I know that now. Any anger I held for you is gone. I'm the one who should be apologising for believing that you could betray us._

_Don't hold yourself accountable for the article in the Prophet either. Snape "accidentally" let it slip, but it doesn't matter now. The main reason I took the job in the first place was to protect Harry from you and clearly that was always unnecessary._

_Padfoot, I beg you, don't write again. If you are captured, I'm certain Fudge will have it on the front page of the Prophet, so I know that no news is good news._

_Moony_

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_Remus,_

_I'm going to kill Snape! This time he's gone too far! I'm on my way back now._

_S._

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_Please don't! Stop and think for a moment! You'll be captured and I'll be alone again! Please! I need you! Harry needs you! Merlin, please stay safe! Promise me!_

_R._

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_Moony,_

_Alright, I'm sorry, I lost it for a little while. How dare that piece of filth do something so malicious! I can't stand it that he hurt you to get to me. I swear, one day I'll make him pay._

_I saw the letters they published in the Prophet in response to that article they wrote about you and, though I doubt you'll admit it, I expect you've received a lot worse. Don't you dare believe a word of what they say about you! Those people don't know you. I do. They're the monsters, not you. There's so much I want to say, Remus, but I can't do it like this. I'd give anything to be able to talk to you face to face._

_I promise I'll stay away and hide like a good little boy, but only for you and Harry._

_S._

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_Padfoot,_

_Thank you. Stay safe. I won't write again. I won't risk being the reason you go back to Azkaban._

_R._

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**One year later**

Sirius ran through the forest undergrowth, barely noticing the occasional thorn that caught in his fur. He had done his duty, he had alerted certain Order members to Voldemort's return and now he had one last person to contact. Even as he raced ever closer to his destination, he was nervous and apprehensive about getting there. More than once he almost turned around, but his Gryffindor courage spurred him on. Besides, Remus deserved better and in any case, he had to be informed about recent events.

Sirius slowed as he approached the Muggle town. It was fairly small and Sirius could see why Remus had chosen it. It was small enough for there to be no other wizards who would know who Remus was, but large enough that his neighbours wouldn't know him well enough to notice any oddities.

Sirius crouched low in the bushes. It was still early, perhaps an hour after dawn. He heard a noise and turned to see a small vehicle driving down the street which he recognised as a milkman. Sirius had excelled in all his classes a Hogwarts and Muggle Studies was no exception, so he had a good grasp of the Muggle way of life, even if it was often very peculiar to him. Of course, he had only taken the class because James had insisted on it. Lily had been laughing at him since the First Year whenever he misunderstood something about Muggles and he had hoped to impress her with his newfound knowledge or at least sound slightly less stupid. Naturally the Marauders had all taken the same classes together.

Thinking about Lily and James was too painful and Sirius turned his attention to the task at hand. After living rough for two years, he knew that even in his human form, he was far too conspicuous to simply turn up in a pleasant country town and not attract attention, besides which there was always the danger of someone recognising him from the media coverage two years ago. Instead, he manoeuvred himself as close to Remus' house as possible, keeping his cover and watched as the milkman put two bottles on Remus' front step. Then he settled down to wait.

It didn't take long. Twenty minutes later, he saw Remus door start to open and he readied himself. Once Remus had the bottles in his hand, Sirius sprang at the door as it started to close and pushed past Remus into his house.

For a moment Remus looked startled, then he swiftly shut the door behind them.

"Padfoot?" He said softly. "Merlin, I… Wait, what are you doing here? It's not safe!"

Sirius quickly morphed into his human form before Remus began his lecture. "Things have changed, Remus."

"Apparently nothing's changed!" Remus snapped. "You're still completely thoughtless! Do you think the Ministry's forgotten about you?"

"Remus, Harry has…" Sirius began, but Remus cut him off.

"I know all about it, Sirius! Do you think Dumbledore doesn't keep me informed? Though I could have gotten the gist of things from the _Prophet_ anyway, however garbled it was. Harry was entered into the TriWizard tournament by an unknown party and you felt that you simply _had_ to come back and risk your neck! As if Dumbledore would let anyone hurt him, or Moody! I know you're trying to be a good godfather, Sirius, but you're just being irresponsible! If anything happened to you, Harry would…"

"Merlin, Remus, SHUT UP!" Sirius roared, having abandoned the hope that Remus would be forced to pause for breath. "There's far more to it than you know! Voldemort's back!"

Remus couldn't have looked more stunned if Sirius had just announced that he was carrying Fudge's lovechild. "What?" He spluttered.

Swiftly, Sirius brought him up to speed, ignoring the attempted interruptions and trying to keep his voice steady when he described what had happened to Harry in the graveyard.

"So Dumbledore has asked me to contact people so we can reform the Order of the Phoenix." He concluded. "He told me to stay here for a bit." He added.

"Oh." Remus said finally. "Right. Sirius…" He was cut off as there was a loud knock at the door. "_Hide!_" He hissed.

Sirius rushed to find somewhere suitable as Remus opened the front door to find himself facing Mrs Bunting from across the street. "Oh hello, Mrs Bunting." He said, smiling in what he hoped was a polite manner. He always kept himself aloof from his neighbours, almost to the point of rudeness, and was rather surprised to find her on his doorstep.

"Oh, good morning Mr Lupin, I am sorry to disturb you." She said, smiling awkwardly. "My son Billy just told me the most odd tale about a dog running into your house! I wanted to make sure everything was alright, only you can never be too careful these days, can you?"

For a moment, Remus contemplated the absurdity of this statement, as if it was perhaps a sign of the times that large black dogs forced themselves into people's houses. "Oh!" He said, as calmly as he could manage. "What an odd tale! I can't imagine what he saw, but I certainly haven't seen anything unusual. Children have such overactive imaginations, don't they?"

Mrs Bunting looked at him suspiciously for an instant, then a dull flush crept up her face. "Well I'm so sorry to have disturbed you! I'll certainly have a word with Billy about telling such tall tales!"

Remus was briefly sorry for whatever punishment Billy might receive for his "lies", but he was still reeling from everything Sirius had told him and decided that there were bigger problems than Billy having his pocket money stopped.

"Well thank you for the concern, Mrs Bunting." He said, smiling and pushing the door towards her. "Goodbye now!" He had a brief glimpse of her indignant face before he slammed the door in it. "Sirius?" He called softly.

He heard a voice call "Down here!" and his heart sank. Of all the places Sirius could have hidden, why had he chosen the basement? Steeling himself, Remus moved down the hall and opened the door that led to the basement. "Why don't you come back up?" He called. "She's gone!"

"Come down." Sirius called. "Please."

Remus sighed and made his way down the stairs, knowing exactly what Sirius would want to talk to him about and wishing he could think of a way to avoid the conversation. The look on Sirius face confirmed his expectations, as Sirius stared around the room, looking horrified.

"What is this, Moony?" He asked softly.

"You know what it is." Remus said tiredly. "I live in a Muggle town, Sirius. They'd have no way to defend themselves…"

"But this?" Sirius asked angrily, gesturing at the heavy silver chains embedded in the wall. "I thought you had the Wolfsbane potion? Has Snape stopped making it?"

"No, he still makes it and delivers it to me. It's far more than I have the right to expect from him." Remus said quietly.

"Ha!" Sirius exclaimed. "After what he did to you last year? He deserves…" His face darkened, but he broke off. "So why the chains?"

"Because I can't take the risk!" Remus snapped. "Because people could get killed!"

"You shouldn't be living like this!" Sirius shouted angrily. "You're not an animal that needs to be chained to the wall!"

"That's exactly what I am!" Remus shouted back. "You don't understand!"

"Of course I understand!" Sirius retorted. "After all the times I ran with you at full moon…"

"I was different then! I was different with the three of you!" Remus fought to hold onto his self-control and felt it slide away from him. "But you left! All of you! You were gone and I was all alone! Twelve years! You weren't here! You don't even know me anymore!" His cheeks were damp and he wondered when he'd started crying. Suddenly all the emotions he'd felt all those years ago came pouring back. James, Lily and Peter were dead. Voldemort was gone, but that didn't matter, because Sirius had betrayed them all and he was being sent to Azkaban. The worst part was, Remus couldn't decide if he was more upset that Sirius has betrayed them and that his friends were dead, or that Sirius was being sent to Azkaban and he would suffer and Remus would never see him again. Yet now he was stood in front of him, looking startled at this outburst and it was too much. Remus drew back his fist and punched Sirius as hard as he could. His right fist connected with Sirius' left cheek - hard - and Sirius fell down onto one knee.

"Merlin, Remus!" He shouted. "You think I didn't want to be here? You think I chose to spend that time in Azkaban, away from Harry, away from you, while the Dementors kept making me relive that night over and over?"

"But it was your fault!" Remus yelled. "You betrayed us! You killed them! You left me!"

"But I didn't!" Sirius protested fiercely.

"I KNOW!" Remus cried and he sank to his knees, sobbing. "But I thought you did and I spent all those years hating you and now you're here and I don't… I can't… I…"

Sirius sat down and pulled Remus into a strong embrace, wanting somehow to erase all the pain and anger Remus was feeling. Before he knew what was happening, Remus was kissing him fiercely and he kissed him back almost desperately, needing to make up for all the time they had lost. Eventually they broke away for air and sat gasping, still holding each other.

"I should have known!" Remus said softly, his tears stopping. "I loved you so much, Padfoot. I should never have believed it. I should have gotten you out of that awful place, but I left you there, left you to suffer…"

"Could'a, would'a, should'a." Sirius said bitterly. "If I had trusted you, you would have known that it was Peter. We might have caught him long before now, before he could restore Voldemort! Everything Harry faces from now on will be on my conscience. I promised James I would protect his son, I said I'd die for him and all I've done is caused him more pain. I've failed in everything, Remus. If I had been the Secret-Keeper, James and Lily would be alive. Harry wouldn't have had to suffer all those years with the Dursleys, to endure what happened at the graveyard…" He stopped, the guilt overwhelming him.

"A fine pair we are." Remus remarked wryly. "Bickering over who's more to blame. We did what we thought was right, Sirius."

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Sirius muttered dejectedly, unwilling to let go of his guilt.

"Well you've been to hell, love." Remus said softly. "And you came out the other side. Harry's still here, still alive and whatever he faces, we'll be there to help him. I know you'll never let him down again."

_I'll never let him down again, Remus._ Sirius had said firmly, ignoring all of Remus' pleas and logic. _Harry's in trouble and I won't just sit here. I can't. I'm coming to the Department of Mysteries with you and we can't afford to waste time arguing._

Remus knew he was right. There was no time to argue and so he had let it drop. Sirius had come with them to the Department of Mysteries and now he was dead.

_I should have tried harder to persuade him_. Remus thought. _I could have just hexed him, forced him to stay. I should have done **something**._

_Could'a, would'a, should'a._ He though wryly.

And now he was alone again.

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Reviews appreciated.


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